Do you know someone who lives in fear of getting intimidated each passing day?
Have you ever lived with anyone who punched, slapped, kicked, or even shoved you forcefully? All the elements I have mentioned amount to domestic violence. If I go back to my school days, I do not recall a single book that said anything about domestic violence in the 80s. Back then, society did not classify domestic violence. It was not until years later when advocacy organizations effectively lobbied for domestic abuse laws. Today, domestic violence is a global burden penetrating through racial, cultural, and economic classes. The menace is not only widely spread, but its frequency makes it an accepted deed. In silence, victims continue to suffer through profound implications, while others lead to death. Yet, despite its continued existence, it remains among the hidden secrets in society.
In my situation, I remember how hard I tried to hide my abuse from my loved ones. Before their eyes, I had it all. We were living in a beautiful house in a serene environment. To them, we were a symbol of marital perfection. But inside our closed doors, I was suffocating through immeasurable turmoil. When I got married, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the universe. Sad, that little instants of verbal abuse soon replaced the honeymoon. Later it explored major fits of physical and emotional abuse. The picturesque union slowly fell to pieces amidst my attempts to save it. This was not what I had anticipated.
I had always envisioned myself living in a fulfilling marriage with the man of my dreams from my childhood. I loved my husband with everything I had and could not imagine a life without him. For many years I held on to him, praying and hoping that he might change. But it never happened; the abuse got so bad that I had to leave. Dazed in pain, I tried to find myself again. I was no longer the happy, focused girl. Instead, I came out bitter, broken, and hopeless. I vividly recall my first days after moving out as I operated as a zombie. The struggle to find that beautiful girl walking down the aisle was not easy. My heart and mind were in shambles. Getting the strength to wake up every day was a struggle. But I had to fight. No matter how painful the steps became, I had to learn how to put one foot in front of the other and walk again! If you ever thought falling in love is easy, then you have no idea how painful getting out of love can become. Through my unfortunate incident, I realized that domestic abuse does not choose skin color or the money in the bank. When the repercussions hit you, none of your assets can save you from the anguish. Your only breakthrough depends on your will to fight. With those thoughts in mind, I knew I had to use my predicament as a pedestal for others. My mission was to save myself and use my story as a testimony. In my situation, I was lucky I came out alive. Some leave their unions in coffins. At the same time, others suffer in silence without the family notifying the law. Unfortunately, these men and women suffer for the rest of their lives.
I was to give the descriptions of Susan Schecter, a renowned visionary leader. She describes domestic violence as the abuse that comes in sexual, physical, emotional, or economic lack of support within a domestic setting. Domestic violence does not affect heterosexual relationships only. It also affects people in same-sex marriages and formers partners. There is a notion that women are the only victims of domestic violence. In reality, many men suffer in silence due to the stigma associated with this abuse. The broad umbrella covers other abuse types like child abuse, marital rape, honor killings, and elderly torture. The World Health Organization describes this abuse as intimate partner violence. In a worldwide comparative study published in 2012, WHO reported 13-61% of people encountering domestic violence. 4-49% account of severe attacks, while 6-59% reported sexual abuses by their partners. Out of all the victims, 20-27% gave testimony of at least one emotional abuse from their partners. Given that family abuse is taboo in developed and developing countries, these upsetting figures remain underestimated.
What Causes Domestic Abuse
According to WHO, violence comes through four factors; society, individual, community, and relationship. Some cultures advocate for wife-beating even in front of the children. When these children grow up, they are most likely to follow in their parents’ footsteps. Within relationships, disagreements come from economic distress, male supremacy, and educational disparities. In some instances, men feel inferior if the wife is more educated and brings more to the table. As a result, they may cause chaos to limit a woman’s financial freedom. There is a common concept in society associating men with dominance, and women with low economic status. In some communities, women lack civil rights and suffer through unjust marriage and divorce rules. Others do not accept domestic abuse as an issue that requires solving significantly in public. It remains a hushed topic, especially on sexuality matters. There are many cases of incest rapes that go unreported. Most of these communities perceive women as sex objects to please men at all times. From childhood, women get trained on how to tolerate abuse to keep their families intact. The boy child receives dominance teachings as early as the first word. Thus, when they grow and start battering their wives, it is assumed to maintain order.
How to Find Yourself again
No one should lie to you that you will get instant relief once you leave your hostile environment. In reality, it is a painful journey that can take you years. WHO reports indicate that domestic violence causes mental, physical, and chronic ailments caused by prolonged trauma. The effect of repeated abuse can occur years after it happened. Despite victims going through immense pain, some choose to stay. Most of them struggle financially with no means of sustaining themselves. Deep-seated values hold these victims hostage too. With the fear of getting ridiculed and scolded, they choose to hold on to an unhealthy relationship. With children involved, it gets more complicated. Despite growing up in a war zone, that is the only home they know.
So, getting used to a new environment might take longer than expected. Once you leave your abuser, you may develop a feeling of disappointment and loss. Remember that you had dreams you had hoped to achieve through your marriage. When you walk out of the door, a part of your zeal, confidence, and self-esteem remains behind. Below are tips to help you get back on your feet after domestic violence.
Take Care of Yourself
Start by enjoying some ‘me time’! That’s the best trick that will help you to bounce back. Do not rush the process; take a day at a time. On a good day, you can walk into a mall and buy that new outfit. Get into that restaurant and try out that new delicacy. When you feel strong enough, try to make more giant steps. For instance, you apply for a new job in a different town away from your abuser. If experiencing financial hurdles, seek help from abuse shelters around you. Note that you would only manage to heal if you come up with realistic ambitions. As you progress on, do not get bothered about what other people say behind your back. Hold your head high and get focused on your new goals. If need be, you can cut off links with people who remind you of your abuser. It is not easy making acquaintances, but for your well being, get out, and meet new people. Reward yourself for small achievements. For instance, you can book yourself in a resort for a weekend getaway. Strive to gain knowledge of a new skill like yoga or painting. Most importantly, do not forget to nourish your body on a balanced diet and enough sleep.
Seek Support
When one gets out of an abusive relationship, the self-esteem goes downhill. Most victims go further into depression when they realize that the relief is not instant. In such cases, I advocate for counseling sessions. Mental health is an intricate path to trend. It would help if you got an expert to help you find your way through the maze. Through these contacts, you can get guided on the shelters that offer help. Keep your mind occupied to avoid drifting away into depression. Try to find publications that can help you to boost your confidence and help you cope better. Get vigilant and google for sites that give guidance after a break-up. Through them, you may read stories of other victims and how they survived through the abuse.
Nonetheless, I take this opportunity to thank you for your undivided attention. I hope my story has encouraged someone to say get out of a volatile environment. In case you have any queries, I am willing to assist you to the best of my knowledge.